"Ultimate Uber Death Metal" (Jaded Ibis Productions; 2005)

Reviewed by Christopher J. Kelter

One of Umlaut’s slogans is “Fast, Loud, Stupid” – they only got one right. The album is neither loud nor fast. So I’ll leave the rest up to you.

Even before the second song ended I had to say to myself, “This has to be a joke, right?” Umlaut’s “Ultimate Uber Death Metal” is completely devoid of anything “metal” – serious, parody, or otherwise. I think people were quick to catch on to Josh Homme’s Eagles Of Death Metal project, but this is the complete opposite situation. The bottom line is that “Ultimate Uber Death Metal” is pointless.

The album contains nine tracks in less than 20 minutes – none of which strikes me as being remotely attractive to any music fan. The song titles suggest inside jokes – what difference do inside jokes make if no one is around to hear them?

“Ultimate Uber Death Metal” is literally white noise with hardly any aggression that would seem to be a prerequisite for any kind of metal band – especially on Rough Edge’s pages. Certainly any music fan would instantly recognize that the music contained within (if it can be called music) was formed from a six-string instrument of any kind. Everything (including percussion) sounds like it was generated by a cheap synthesizer (which may or may not have actually sampled guitars).

When the spoken word vocals kick in the music literally fades and drops to nothing – is there a reason for this?

Nothing matches on the record. The “quotes” don’t match the audio components of the album (as I mentioned earlier I can’t call it music that’s for sure).

I listened to “Ultimate Uber Death Metal” twice – I’m never going to get those 40 minutes back except the permanent memory of what a waste of time it was. I don’t ever remember listening to a CD that actually made me angry – I guess there’s a first time for everything. Ultimate uber shit is more like it.

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Rating Guide:

A classic. This record will kick your ass.

Killer. Not a classic but it will rock your world.

So-so. You've heard better.

Pretty bad. Might make a nice coaster.

Self explanatory. Just the sight of the cover makes you wanna hurl.

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Copyright © 2006 by R. Scott Bolton. All rights reserved.
Revised: 04 Sep 2023 15:33:16 -0400.