VARIOUS ARTISTS


"Monster Ballads Xmas" (Razor and Tie; 2007) 

Reviewed by Metal Mark

 

Here we have fifteen Christmas songs performed by hard rock/hair metal artists. To make it more fun I decided to try and compare each song to a present that a kid could get for Christmas. So here we go.

Skid Row "Jingle Bells" 
This is like getting a paddle ball. It's kind of a fast paced fun for a little bit, but the novelty wears off pretty quickly.

Winger "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)
This is like getting socks. There is some purpose to it, but it's rather drab and not much fun.

Jani Lane - "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"
This is like getting underwear. Like the above, there is a purpose, I guess. Although not awful, it's a little embarrassing to have to sit through.

Twisted Sister and Lita Ford "I'll be Home for Christmas"
This would be like getting a board game like Battleship. It's fairly basic, but eventually it's kind of fun.

Queensryche "White Christmas"
This would be like like getting a stamp collection starter kit. It's not cool, it's extremely boring and I don't want anything to do with it.

LA Guns "Run, Rudolph, Run"
This is like getting an action figure from the Dollar Store. There is some joy to it, but ultimately it's a little cheap and not nearly as good as the real thing.

Firehouse "Rockiní Around the Christmas Tree"
This is like the year my brother and I got lawn darts. They seemed really dorky at first, but then we gave them a chance we realized they were a lot of fun. 

Danger, Danger "Naughty, Naughty Christmas"
This is like being eight years old and getting a stuffed animal. Not the worst thing in the world, but kind of silly at this point and even a little awkward.

Tom Keifer "Blue Christmas"
This is like getting a Hot Wheels race track. It only takes seconds to realize how much you like it. Easily the best song on the album.

Nelson "Jingle Bell Rock"
This is like getting a little plastic wind-up Santa. It pulls you in for a few seconds, but then you realize it's only doing one thing and it's kind of cheesey.

Faster Pussycat "Silent Night"
This was like the year where I wanted a football and I got a calligraphy set. I was very disappointed and wondered what I did to deserve it.

Dokken "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"
This is like getting a book that you have already read many times. I still like it some, but it's very predictable and not something you are going to come back to very often.

Enuff z'Nuff "Happy Holiday"
This is like getting a bag of little plastic soldiers. It's simple and not anything new, but I like it and will probably even return to it.

Stryper "Winter Wonderland"
This would be like getting a little plastic giraffe without any moving parts. I'm interested enough to check it out, but it doesn't really do enough to make it that worthwhile.

Billy Idol "Christmas Love"
This is like getting a coloring book and an eight pack of crayons. I like it a little, but it's fairly basic and not anything real special.

There are a few really good songs, a few clunkers and a bunch of in between tracks. So all in all a bit of a mixed bag.


Rating Guide:

A classic. This record will kick your ass.

Killer. Not a classic but it will rock your world.

So-so. You've heard better.

Pretty bad. Might make a nice coaster.

Self explanatory. Just the sight of the cover makes you wanna hurl.


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Copyright © 2007 by R. Scott Bolton. All rights reserved.
Revised: 08 Jan 2016 11:33:10 -0500.